struggling sunbeam //

4:12 PM

when the grey skies
come, i don't
want everyone
to know. 
i'm supposed to be 
the happy one,
the person who is
positive and
i look for silver linings
and ways to 
make the sun
but i'm not
immune to 
shadows and
dark clouds.
my days aren't 
always as sunny
as they
i hide the 
grey skies, 
stuff them
behind a sunny
i'm supposed
to be the 
happy one--
and what would
people think
if i wasn't?
the truth is,
hiding the sadness
doesn't help,
but it's easier
than letting
the world
the real you.
life isn't all
there are
grey skies
and maybe,
learning to be
honest is
the way to
being a struggling
and start
the Creator
work in
the shadows.

Not gonna lie, this is probably my hardest poem to share. I might come across as perpetually sunny to some people...but honestly, I'm just as susceptible to sadness as everyone else. I felt really sad the other day, and I tried not to act it. But it's only when I'm honest that God can work through my shadows and create beauty.

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  1. Thank you so much for sharing this, Mary. THANK YOU.
    Jaidyn Elise

    1.'re welcome. <3 It was a bit hard to hit the publish button, but I did it. ;)

    2. Well, I'm really glad you did. ;) I think (read: know) a lot of people can relate to this. <<3333333
      Jaidyn Elise

  2. Agh that hit really close to home- beautifully sad.

  3. Love this Mary, it's so beautiful! This should totally be a song or something. :-)

    ~Skylar Reese

    1. SKYLAR THANK YOU. <3 You're the musician of your family, right? I'm sure you would do a much better job translating this into a song than I would. ;)

  4. AWWWWW! SWEET MARY. *huggles* I can so sympathize with this. I do have a naturally happy-go-lucky attitude, but my life is anything but peaches and rainbows. I struggle with...a lot. And it's hard to admit it. Hard to say, yeah, I'm sad a lot of the time. But as you put it so perfectly GORGEOUSLY, when we're honest, God can work through us. He can reshape the shadows into something magnificent.

    I'm going to sound like some little kids show or something's okay to be sad! I can't stand it when people claim Christians HAVE to be happy all the time. No, it doesn't work like that. I mean, look at all the times Jesus was sad in the Bible! Life is HARD. And we NEED to be sad and cry to Jesus, just like we'd cry on the shoulder of a parent. It's good. Bottling things up and putting on a face isn't healthy. ...Says the girl who always bottles things up and puts on a face. AHEM. I'm nothing if not example of what NOT to be. *smile, smile*

    But seriously, this was absolutely gorgeous, and I so, SO admire you for being honest. I love you, Mary! Your'e such a beautiful person. *HUGS*

    1. SORRY TO JUMP IN HERE but Christine I've just gotta say that you are a prime example of a beautiful Christian woman who knows the joy that is found in Christ and is letting that infiltrate the internet (and everyone whose life she can manage to touch) despite the hardships that come her way--she is focusing on blessing others instead of herself and that's a really beautiful thing.
      JUST HAD TO SAY THAT AND NOW I'M OFF! *disappears in a puff of smoke*

    2. AND MARY IT IS BEAUTIFUL THAT YOU ARE BEING SO TRANSPARENT. <333 And it is ok to feel sad, like Christine said. AND YET SOMEHOW YOU STILL MANAGE TO BRIGHTEN THE INTERNET WORLD REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FEEL. You are a very special person, Mary--it's rare that you can find a person who you KNOW if sunshiney even though you've never met them, but guess what?? YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE SUNSHINEY PEOPLE. I sure am glad God gave you the gift of writing so you could spread your sunshine to the world! (btw, anytime you are having a bad day, I'm always here to offer prayers and support. ALWAYS. <333)

    3. ARIELLLLLL. That is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said about me. Just...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I want to cry and grin at the same time!

      And speaking of sunshiny people, YOU are one of those. Honest, whenever I think of you, I think of smiles and your bright personality. You're such a treasure! <3

    4. *is literally tearing up right now*

      Chrstine, I'm just speechless right now. You are one of the sweetest, most uplifting people I know. <3 I'm so SO glad that we're friends! *hugs you*

      GIRL. You're so right! I often feel like I "should be happy" or that being sad is something to be ashamed about. But it's NOT. Being sad is part of life; it's what we choose to do with that sadness that really makes the difference. And I'm just so, so grateful for your encouragement. You are indeed a beautiful young woman who is a blessing to everyone. EVERYONE. Like Ariel said so perfectly, you manage to pour so much into the lives of others despite all your hardships. That is indescribably beautiful.

      And just so you know, I'm always here for you too, darling. AND I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. *hugs* <33

    5. (Oops, I meant *Christine...excuse my erratic fingers. They have a mind of their own. *coughs*)

    6. @Ariel First off, I CONCUR 100000% WITH WHAT YOU TOLD CHRISTINE.

      Second of all...can I just hug you forever?? Your comment made me tear up. SERIOUSLY. It really touched my heart. You are the sweetest, sunshiniest person ever, and I'm so blessed to know you. I honestly don't know how I can express my gratefulness for you. YOU'RE THE BEST. <33 *huggles you tightly* (D'AWWWWWW. I SO appreciate that, Ariel! I really do. <3)

  5. I can't figure out what to say, this was so powerful.
    THANK YOU for sharing this, Mary, it's honestly really encouraging to know you're not always happy, because I'm not either.
    I think the worst thing you can do is try not to be sad. I've tried sweeping my emotions under the rug and trying to be 'fine' (when I'm not!), and it doesn't have a good outcome.
    I think the internet is one of (if not THE) easiest place to be fake. So thanks for being real.

    1. Awwww, Hanna! <3

      Thank YOU!! I sometimes get the impression that everyone is always happy or that life is always splendid for other's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this.

      *nods* So true! It's often easier for me to just say I'm okay and pretend life is fine--when in reality, I'm hurting. But keeping it locked inside just makes things worse.

      Definitely, Hanna! Your constant support and encouragement means the world to me. <3